Visit me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter!
Shanti Birth Services
  • Welcome
    • Meet Kirstin
    • Testimonials
    • FAQs
  • Services
    • Birth Doula
    • Postpartum Doula
    • Your Amazing Placenta
    • Fun Extras >
      • Lending Library
    • Bereavement
  • Shanti Birth Fund
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • This Is Birth

The Infertile Doula

11/19/2013

3 Comments

 
Picture
This is a story that I have debated on telling for a while and even more so now that I am a professional doula. I don't know that it's one that most doulas in my position are comfortable sharing about themselves; to strip yourself down and expose a very real and traumatic part of your life can be terrifying. I strive to always be honest with the people in my life professional or otherwise, so when someone asks me if I have children, I struggle. This question, as innocent as it is, is a very hard question to answer. You see, I do...but I don't. So I'm going to use this outlet, this blog, to tell my story and how that plays a part in how I work as a doula.
Picture
As a teen, I never had normal cycles and for whatever reason, my mother never thought to take me to see a doctor. I spent most of my teen years having roughly 2-4 cycles a year. When I was around 19 years old, I finally made my way to a doctor who told me that I had severe hypothyroidism and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...both cause infertility if left untreated. He went on to tell me that odds were, I would not be having children because I had gone without treatment
for so long. He started me on birth control and Synthroid in the effort to regulate my levels but he didn't seem optimistic. Fast forward to 2007, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I found out that we were expecting and shortly thereafter, we miscarried. When the doctor gave me the news, it was as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. It took a while to grieve for the loss of what I feel in my bones was a little girl and quite honestly, I'm still grieving. As it always does, life went on for us and soon we decided that we were going to start trying again but we have not been successful. We are looking more closely at adoption and how long our expenses would allow for fertility treatments. As you may have guessed, so far we have been unsuccessful.

So how does that play into my career and my practice as a doula? Well, I'll tell you! There are times when being an infertile doula stinks! You stand by and watch as women become mothers and sometimes secretly wish that you could trade places with her. 

You find yourself watching women subconsciously rub their bellies, taking that moment without even realizing it, to connect with the baby growing within.
Picture
You yearn to experience the discomfort of labor only to emerge victorious and empowered by the miraculous work that you have just done.
Picture
You daydream about the moment when you will experience that palpable, electric love between you, your partner, and your new baby. It's true, at times, it can be overwhelming.
Picture
That's not to say that I walk around green with envy, hating all pregnant woman...
Picture
Quite the contrary, being a doula while infertile has helped me tremendously. I get to talk about birth all the time...I mean ALL the time. I love talking about pregnancy, labor, and babies. I love answering questions and continuing to learn as I build my practice. I love getting to snuggle and hold the babies that I have assisted earth side and coo over their fresh faces.  And most important, I honor mothers and their families as they walk this journey of parenthood. In those moments when I'm feeling the twinges of jealousy, I remind myself that her baby is not MY baby. Just because she is experiencing it and I'm not, does not mean that she has taken something from me...I am just waiting for my turn to experience it.
Being a doula is by far the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done and even though it tugs at my heart strings sometimes, it keeps me hopeful that it WILL be my turn one day. I find great comfort in knowing that I have made a positive impact on the women whom I have served and knowing
that even though I don't yet have a child myself, that my mothering and nurturing instincts can still be put to good use until it is my turn to experience that sacred rite of passage. It may be through the science of in vitro, the wonders of Eastern medicine, or through the outstretched arms of a
child in need of a home. It may not happen like I want it to...but being a doula keeps me hopeful. Being a doula reminds me that miracles happen every day and that I should never give up on something that is so life changing. 
3 Comments
Anisa Noormohamed
11/20/2013 07:06:58 am

Kirstin, it is so brave of you to write this piece and share it with the world. I'm certain that WHEN it does happen for you, you will be an amazing mother. So many women go through the entire adoption process just to learn they're pregnant, because it's just when that pressure to perform is alleviated from the body, it does its job best...who knows...you may suddenly become a mother to several babies at once...it has been known to happen! But however it happens and whenever, will be the right moment for you. Also I hate the term 'infertile' to be used for any woman of child-bearing age. So many cultures view fertility as something that waxes and wanes throughout a woman's child bearing years depending on what is actually happening in her life at the moment, and rarely are there women who are considered 'infertile' - it seems such a definitive label. Just remember to believe...you will be a mother when all of the stars align, or the pieces of the puzzles are just in order, or whatever it is that needs to happen in your life before that moment...but it WILL happen. Thank you for sharing!

Reply
Kirstin
11/20/2013 01:12:36 pm

Not quite sure how you did it but your comment made me feel really good! Thank you, Anisa!

Reply
l.m
8/18/2014 02:05:24 am

Hi Kirstin,

I came across your written piece through google searching 'infertile doula.' The reason I google searched this was because I wanted to see if there were any other women in my position...there sure are. I too am a doula, and I too have PCOS. This has left me infertile and on all sorts of medication desperately trying to conceive. For 2 years my husband and I have been trying...no luck...

The beautiful job of being able to help women labour and birth always leaves me with such a feeling of joy, however, I can relate to that little niggling thought inside that says 'i wish that was me.' Being a doula has been a way for me to channel some of the negative emotions that come with infertility. I have never opened up about this to anyone before, so thank you for being my first step out of the box. infertility can be a lonely journey...perhaps a lonely journey saved by doulaing?

All the best x

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Kirstin Mae Sengupta

    WELCOME TO MY WORLD!
    I will be gabbing about all things pregnancy, birth, and postpartum but I'll also be yakking away about my life, my love of chocolate, fun things that I'm doing, important people in my life, who's annoyed me, cooking, what I'm reading...you know, life.

    Archives

    November 2015
    October 2015
    January 2015
    September 2014
    May 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013

    Categories

    All
    Affirmation
    Anniversary
    Baby
    Baby Shower
    Bee
    Branson
    Breastfeeding
    Connections
    Daddy
    Dads
    Doula
    Empathy
    Fathers
    Good Friends
    Good Times
    Great Things
    Infertility
    Life
    Love
    Missouri
    Museum
    On Call
    Party
    Positivity
    Salt Bowl
    Shaming
    Springfield
    Stuff
    Tips
    Transition
    Visits

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from Charlie Davidson, groundswell, BrownGuacamole, majcher, zabethanne, jonner, quinn.anya, oatsy40, KkleinRN, Brett Jordan, jcmejia_acera, jeffreyw, raganmd, edenpictures, roseannadana, weexpectedthis, USCPSC