This is a story that I have debated on telling for a while and even more so now that I am a professional doula. I don't know that it's one that most doulas in my position are comfortable sharing about themselves; to strip yourself down and expose a very real and traumatic part of your life can be terrifying. I strive to always be honest with the people in my life professional or otherwise, so when someone asks me if I have children, I struggle. This question, as innocent as it is, is a very hard question to answer. You see, I do...but I don't. So I'm going to use this outlet, this blog, to tell my story and how that plays a part in how I work as a doula.
As a teen, I never had normal cycles and for whatever reason, my mother never thought to take me to see a doctor. I spent most of my teen years having roughly 2-4 cycles a year. When I was around 19 years old, I finally made my way to a doctor who told me that I had severe hypothyroidism and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...both cause infertility if left untreated. He went on to tell me that odds were, I would not be having children because I had gone without treatment
for so long. He started me on birth control and Synthroid in the effort to regulate my levels but he didn't seem optimistic. Fast forward to 2007, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I found out that we were expecting and shortly thereafter, we miscarried. When the doctor gave me the news, it was as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. It took a while to grieve for the loss of what I feel in my bones was a little girl and quite honestly, I'm still grieving. As it always does, life went on for us and soon we decided that we were going to start trying again but we have not been successful. We are looking more closely at adoption and how long our expenses would allow for fertility treatments. As you may have guessed, so far we have been unsuccessful.
So how does that play into my career and my practice as a doula? Well, I'll tell you! There are times when being an infertile doula stinks! You stand by and watch as women become mothers and sometimes secretly wish that you could trade places with her.
You find yourself watching women subconsciously rub their bellies, taking that moment without even realizing it, to connect with the baby growing within.
for so long. He started me on birth control and Synthroid in the effort to regulate my levels but he didn't seem optimistic. Fast forward to 2007, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I found out that we were expecting and shortly thereafter, we miscarried. When the doctor gave me the news, it was as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. It took a while to grieve for the loss of what I feel in my bones was a little girl and quite honestly, I'm still grieving. As it always does, life went on for us and soon we decided that we were going to start trying again but we have not been successful. We are looking more closely at adoption and how long our expenses would allow for fertility treatments. As you may have guessed, so far we have been unsuccessful.
So how does that play into my career and my practice as a doula? Well, I'll tell you! There are times when being an infertile doula stinks! You stand by and watch as women become mothers and sometimes secretly wish that you could trade places with her.
You find yourself watching women subconsciously rub their bellies, taking that moment without even realizing it, to connect with the baby growing within.
You yearn to experience the discomfort of labor only to emerge victorious and empowered by the miraculous work that you have just done.
You daydream about the moment when you will experience that palpable, electric love between you, your partner, and your new baby. It's true, at times, it can be overwhelming.
That's not to say that I walk around green with envy, hating all pregnant woman...
Quite the contrary, being a doula while infertile has helped me tremendously. I get to talk about birth all the time...I mean ALL the time. I love talking about pregnancy, labor, and babies. I love answering questions and continuing to learn as I build my practice. I love getting to snuggle and hold the babies that I have assisted earth side and coo over their fresh faces. And most important, I honor mothers and their families as they walk this journey of parenthood. In those moments when I'm feeling the twinges of jealousy, I remind myself that her baby is not MY baby. Just because she is experiencing it and I'm not, does not mean that she has taken something from me...I am just waiting for my turn to experience it.
Being a doula is by far the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done and even though it tugs at my heart strings sometimes, it keeps me hopeful that it WILL be my turn one day. I find great comfort in knowing that I have made a positive impact on the women whom I have served and knowing
that even though I don't yet have a child myself, that my mothering and nurturing instincts can still be put to good use until it is my turn to experience that sacred rite of passage. It may be through the science of in vitro, the wonders of Eastern medicine, or through the outstretched arms of a
child in need of a home. It may not happen like I want it to...but being a doula keeps me hopeful. Being a doula reminds me that miracles happen every day and that I should never give up on something that is so life changing.
Being a doula is by far the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done and even though it tugs at my heart strings sometimes, it keeps me hopeful that it WILL be my turn one day. I find great comfort in knowing that I have made a positive impact on the women whom I have served and knowing
that even though I don't yet have a child myself, that my mothering and nurturing instincts can still be put to good use until it is my turn to experience that sacred rite of passage. It may be through the science of in vitro, the wonders of Eastern medicine, or through the outstretched arms of a
child in need of a home. It may not happen like I want it to...but being a doula keeps me hopeful. Being a doula reminds me that miracles happen every day and that I should never give up on something that is so life changing.
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