Category: Stuff

Has it really been five years already???

9/9/2014

Five years ago today, I was standing in my hotel suite desperately trying not to cry. With my makeup perfectly applied, hair done, and veil in place...it was becoming real. I was getting married. Between the mini panic attacks and squeals of delight, I was so darn excited. The day had finally arrived.

As I stepped into my gown, I wave of calm enveloped me. I was mere moments away from joining my life to the person who made me feel alive. Who has enriched my life simply by existing. Who has opened up my mind and heart to new ideas and ways of thinking. Who has shown me what perfect love and perfect trust are all about.

Our wedding day is honestly a blur for me (I blame it on neglecting to eat and only hydrating myself on the champagne!), but I remember some key moments that always make me smile.

I remember my aunt adjusting my dress and then moments later, having a fit of laughter while then trying to help me learn how to use the bathroom in said dress (Tip for all you future brides: Pee first! ;-) )!

I remember feeling the air leave me as I started my walk down my (very long!) beach aisle. I remember Mark joking with me as he guided me toward the alter, whispering that he had left the car running in case I wanted to make a break for it.

I remember staring down at my husband's hands during our hand blessing ceremony
and thinking how lucky I was that he had chosen me.

I remember him delicately applying sindoor to my forehead, thus ending my days as a single woman. I remember him covering my head with a sari, the look on his face...I'll remember it forever.

I remember our vows to each other. The promises we made as our friends and family looked on.

Not all days have been good. Some, in fact, have been just plain awful but there is something that has pushed us on to today. I feel that we are madly, truly, deeply in love with one another and a love like ours is too exceptional to just toss away when things get hard.

He is my motivation to do better, to be better. He challenges me and he tests me but he is also my safe harbor...my lighthouse in the darkness. This year will also mark our 9th year of being together. I honestly can not believe that we have been loving each other for almost a decade. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. I wish that time would slow down so I don't feel like I'm missing it.

Roni, you are constantly renewing my faith that love and marriages can last forever. Your gentle way of living has touched some of the deepest parts of my soul and I am forever changed by you. I love laughing with you. I love going off on adventures with you...even routine chores are often some of my favorite things to do and it's because, with you, I am at ease. These past five years have not been without upset and sadness but they have also not been without laughter and devotion...tenderness and love. Your unwavering strength and guidance as we walk through this life together has been the greatest gift that I could ever receive. Because of you, I have so many reasons to smile.

You are my confidant, partner in crime, husband, and friend. Who could ask for more than that? I love you, Roni.

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Pour your Intentions into the Salt Bowl.

5/31/2014

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I've been thinking a lot about connection recently and how we impact the people around us. No matter how quick a connection, a change has been set in motion. An exchange...give and take.

A bee might only pause briefly atop a flower but both the bee and the flower have experienced a powerful connection. The bee, pausing only moments to collect nectar has no idea that there is an exchange taking place. As the bee sits, the flower's pollen sticks to its legs. Flower to flower the pollen is transferred and the cycle continues, creating new flowers from which the bee can drink.

Since my husband and I learned that we are going to be moving, I've been focusing a lot of my energy on the connections that I've made. I feel guilty that I didn't have the opportunity to tell everyone how much they have meant to me and how grateful I am for the lasting impact that they have had on me.

The dictionary defines a Connection as "linking of people or things: the joining together of two or more people, things, or parts". With that in mind, I wanted to mention something that I hope to do with the people in my life. I want to go to the salt bowl.

Image captured before my goodbye salt bowl ceremony

A salt bowl ceremony is an incredible practice that involves a circle of people who, with adding their own personal ingredients, co-create a large bowl full of pleasant smelling sea salt. The salt bowl is sent around the circle and as each person adds their own special ingredient (essential oils, sage, finely chopped citrus peel, lavender that you picked from your home garden, honey, sugar, etc.) they also add their intention. This can be anything that you want, a goal for your life, a thought about the relationships in the circle, a kind message to the group, aspiration, whatever intention you feel compelled to pour into the bowl is left in the salt.

When this circle is completed, everyone takes a jar of the intention filled, delicious smelling salt home with them. In times of stress, anxiety, or simply when you need a break from the day, you can return to the salt bowl. You can bathe in those intentions and love, wash your hands with the well wishes and kind thoughts that were lovingly added by family and friends, or simply close your eyes, smell, and remember the unity that you felt as each person added their selves to the bowl and how wonderfully present you were in that moment.

An experience like going to the salt bowl can be wonderfully transformative. It's a moment in time when you're holding a literal representation of yourself...being a part of something bigger. And while you're amazing on your own, great things happen when you connect and bind with those around you.

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From Los Angeles to the Ozarks

5/27/2014

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I grew up in a town of just over 4,000 people and city life was always interesting to me. Intrigued by the chaos and life force that the city offered, I jumped at the chance to move there in 2007. I was so excited to go, not only because I was going to be able to be reunited with my boyfriend (Now husband, he moved to LA six months prior) but because I was intrigued by the lifestyle and eager to become a part of it. There are a lot of things about living in the city that my husband and I really enjoy. Being a hop, skip, and a jump away from the beach has been a blast...we even got married on the beach because we love it so much!

For the last 6 weeks or so, my husband has been interviewing with the legal department of a large company based in Springfield, Missouri. Two months of work, eleven interviews, and one hectic business trip later...they offered him the job and today, he accepted! We are very excited about this move and we are hopeful for what it promises for our future, our family and our careers.

Leaving Los Angeles' rich, honest, and unified birth community is going to be very hard for me. I have been spoiled with a rich and supportive birth community as well. We support one another, raise each other up, and challenge each other to be better. These doula sisters (and a few brothers), midwives, etc., are more than colleagues...we are friends. I have never been a part of a community like this and I am so thankful that I have had the opportunity to grow my business in a city with such passionate birth workers. We have also been blessed to become friends with some amazing and unique people in our time here. Lactation consultants, chefs, musicians, scientists...they come from all walks of life, but what binds them is the passion that I've come to expect from those who call this place home.

I am very excited to build my business and support the families in Springfield! Not only will this move be good for my family but it will be good for Shanti Birth Services...I'm sure of it! I already have a huge list of things that I would like to accomplish so once I get there I can hit the ground running! Thank you to everyone who has trusted me as your doula, placenta encapsulation specialist, belly caster, blessingway planner, etc.. It has been my most sincere honor to work with you and your families. A big thank you to all of the men and women in the Los Angeles birth community! Your support has been invaluable!

I am very excited for this new journey and I hope that you'll come along with me!

This is Springfield, Missouri. I love how green it is!

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It's been a long time...

5/24/2014

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Hi there friends!

Sorry I've been away for so long! Things have been pretty crazy in my world as of
late and blogging has fallen by the wayside. There are a lot of fantastic things happening right now that I'm having trouble keeping up. It's exhausting but I wouldn't change it for anything. Even though I haven't been posting regularly, I've been hard at work cooking up great ideas and working on some pretty great blogs.

I can't wait to share them with you!

Green everywhere! This picture was taken on the way to Branson.

Roni and I just returned from a week long trip in Springfield, Missouri. Boy was that an experience! Springfield is SO different from Los Angeles...green as far as the eye can see, clean air and water, and friendly people who will go out of their way to have a conversation with you.

On the other side of this card was the name and history of a female passenger aboard the Titanic. The card is carried through the exhibit and at the end, you find out if your passenger lived or died. Very powerful.

We spent an afternoon in Branson at the Titanic museum. If you ever have the chance to go to this museum, you must go. Not only to they have actual artifacts from the ship but the museum itself is shaped like the front half of the ship. They have a few interactive parts as well. There is a section where they have you walk on decks that are slanted at different angles to give people the idea of what it was like to try and stay safely on board as the ship was sinking. As the angle of the deck increased, I found myself becoming more and more sad. Another part of the exhibit allows you the chance to experience how horribly cold the water was on that fateful night. You're asked to plunge your hand down into the icy water and a timer is set (the maximum is three minutes with a timer sounding if you've completed it). Most, feeling the frigid sting of the freezing water, immediately pull their hand out, while others try to last a bit longer. When I came to this station, I knew right away that I was going to keep my hand in the water for the full three minutes. Not to show that I have a high pain tolerance but to allow myself to experience, even for three minutes, the pain that those men, women, and children had to endure. It was a beautiful tribute to the lives of those who were aboard that How long do you think you could keep your hand submerged in 28 degree water? I had a great time and I can't wait to go back.

I'll be posting a blog in a few days but in the meantime, I'm interested to know what types of topics YOU'RE interested in reading!? What would you like for me to talk about? Thanks friends!

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Men Becoming Fathers

3/5/2014

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I'm going to tell you about my favorite moment while working with a family. It might shock some of you to know that it's NOT watching my pregnant client birth her baby. WHAT!? I know, I know...just hear me out. There is a moment that always seems to smack me right in the face and grab my heart so tightly that I forget to breathe. My favorite part is watching the moment when men become fathers. More specifically, their face the moment their precious baby is born. (For the sake of simplification, I'm going to use the male pronouns to describe the partner.)

It was unbelievable! I was the first person to hold her. I didn't get that with my first child, Madison. I'm in the Army and was in a different state when she was born. I'm glad that I got to feel that bond right away with Lilia. (Photo submitted by Christy G.)

I supported a family where both the client and her partner labored beautifully together. When I arrived to the hospital, the husband and I locked eyes. He smiled, nodded, and winked at me. She seemed to be doing well with his support so I settled in and watched for a while. He was comfortable supporting her; he knew the kind of support that he wanted to be, what his wife needed, and he knew that she could do it with his help. He held her and surrounded her with love and spoken softly to her whenever he felt that she needed encouragement. I was there simply as their consistency and to be a voice should they need it. He wiped her face and brushed back her hair as she labored. (You can read his story in the black capitalized writing below.)

"KIRSTIN AND I WERE A GOOD TEAM. MY WIFE AND I DIDN'T NEED HER TOO MUCH UNTIL
THE END. AS MY WIFE CONTRACTED, I DANCED WITH HER, HELD HER, AND TOLD HER HOW
MUCH I LOVED HER. I TOLD HER HOW PROUD I WAS OF HER AND HOW AMAZING SHE WAS
DOING. KIRSTIN WAS ALWAYS CLOSE BY BUT LET US HAVE THE SPACE THAT WE WANTED TO
EXPERIENCE THIS EVENT IN OUR OWN INTIMATE WAY"

I was full of so many emotions...Happiness, fear, anticipation. I had only 3 weeks left until I had to leave for Iraq, and all I knew was that I wanted to bond with his little girl before I had to leave.

So this is love...

As we progress through the labor, the husband's tend to mirror their laboring partner. If she is calm and relaxed, his face is loose and soft. If she is struggling through a contraction, his face is screwed up tight with his jaw clenched. If she is holding her breath...often, he is doing the same. I feel that in this moment, he feels vulnerable and helpless because he can't take that pain away, so he subconsciously tries to experience it with her.

"WATCHING MY WIFE GO THROUGH THAT PAIN WAS THE HARDEST THING THAT I'VE EVER HAD
TO DO IN MY LIFE. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO "FIX" THINGS OR MAKE HER FEEL BETTER
WHEN SHE IS SAD OR SICK BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT. I JUST WANTED TO TAKE THE PAIN
AWAY. IT DIDN'T HELP COMPLETELY BUT HAVING KIRSTIN THERE TO REMIND ME THAT THE
PAIN WAS NORMAL AND NECESSARY MADE ME FEEL BETTER."

Holy sh-t. Now what? Just kidding! Wow. Labor wasn't what I expected. It wasn't what they described in the classes. And then the end result - how lucky am I? She's beautiful.

"Hey, I know your voice! You must be my daddy!"

So the pain and discomfort continue on. The mother pushes through this incredible and awesome work while the partner supports her as best as he can. Then all at once... there is a shift. A child is born and in that same moment, a father is also born. Intense love, relief, joy and probably a healthy bit of fear rushes over. It fills him, so much so that it seems to shine out of every pore. His baby, so small and new, emerges into the world. All at once, he's seeing his heart and life before his very eyes. It's kind of hard to describe but if you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. :-)

"THE MOMENT THAT MY SON WAS BORN...WOW...THERE IS NO WAY TO DESCRIBE THE LOVE
AND DEVOTION THAT I FELT FOR HIM AND MY WIFE IN THAT MOMENT. EVERY MOMENT THAT
HAS FOLLOWED SINCE THEN HAS BEEN FILLED WITH PURE AND FIERCE LOVE. WATCHING MY
WIFE PUSH OUR SON INTO THE WORLD WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING THAT I'VE EVER
WITNESSED AND WHEN MY SON TOOK HIS FIRST BREATH, I KNEW THEN THAT GOD EXISTED."

It was like time stopped. I forgot about every problem and everything that we went through. The only thing that I knew was that this was one of the happiest moments in my world and that's the best thing in your life.

I love that first moment after a baby is born when Dad's face is awash with joy, awe and respect. I tear up every time a new father leans down to kiss his exhausted wife and drink in the beauty of his new child. When I visited them for their postpartum visit, they delighted in having me hold their new son, tell me stories about what had happened since his birth and how happy they were. The husband told me how he wanted to shout his joy from the rooftops. He told me how proud and impressed he was with the amazing and hard work that his wife did to birth their son. I saw him again a few weeks ago and I swear he was floating ten feet off the ground, that's how in love he was.

"I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THAT WOMAN AND LITTLE BOY. I WOULD GLADLY GIVE MY LIFE
FOR THEM. HOW FUNNY THAT I WOULD LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR SOMEONE THAT I'VE ONLY
KNOWN FOR A LITTLE OVER THREE WEEKS? MY CHILD MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME...WITHOUT
HIM AND MY AMAZING WIFE, I AM NOTHING."

Becoming a father was an indescribable moment in my life. There's nothing to compare the amazing feeling I had when she was born. I felt like a family instead of a couple. She's a Daddy's girl and my entire world.

There is something so special about watching men become fathers. As they embrace their new life and hold their partner and baby close, I am reminded at how amazing this work is.
So to all you fathers, dads, papas and padres out there...You're the best!

I would like to give a HUGE thank you to all of the families that submitted photos and stories for this blog.
Jack and Christy G. Trish and Chris G. Danielle F. Nicole P. and her father
Hannah F. Chelsea and Jesus N. Amanda and Jeremiah L. Carlos E. (story in caps)
It was my main goal to personalize this blog and I feel that with your beautiful pictures and stories, we did just that!

In the comments, tell us about your journey to parenthood! Were you a nervous father awaiting the birth of your baby? Were you an excited mother enjoying the unknown of pregnancy? Tell us, we want to know!

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Birth Affirmations

1/19/2014

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I've been umming and aahing about the blog that I want to write at the moment. It still needs some work so I'll be taking a few more hours (or days!) writing/editing until I am happy with it. I did, however, just get off of the phone with a client who had a disappointing visit with her doctor. Her doctor suggested that she schedule an induction (with no medical necessity) and when my client said that she wanted to wait for labor to start naturally, she heard, "You're being very irresponsible. Who's the doctor here?" SO....instead of dwelling on the fear and anger that she is feeling, I reminded her of this list and we read affirmations together. You'll find this list below. :-)

I trust my body.
My body was made for this.
I listen to my body and I respond accordingly.
I am connected to my infant; my baby knows my heart beat, my breathing, my voice, the feeling of my love.
My body is perfect for birthing, it grew my baby all the while I just went about my normal living.
I trust my body's wisdom and knowledge.
I trust my body's ancient structure, and I give birth easily and effortlessly as I trust my body to do the work.
I am celebrating myself, my life, and my coming birthing day.
I affirm myself as a good mother.
I lovingly accept my changing body.
I easily recognize where stress is coming from and I learn to release that easily.
I notice when I get tense, and I consciously relax those areas of my body.
I remind myself to relax my whole body often.
My body is beautiful.
I am proud of my body and I trust it.
I trust my body; All I have to do, is breathe and my body will do all the rest.
I accept each stage of the pregnancy as a new wonderful adventure.
I accept each stage of the birth as a new wonderful adventure.
As I prepare for labor I remember I am in control.
I trust my body, I love my body!
I am an amazing being.
I wait on what is best for my baby and I let my baby set the pace.
My mind and body are calm.
I stop my mind from running to thoughts of worry or fears, by using positive thinking.
I notice when my thoughts are fearful, and I choose to change them.
I look forward to this transition, and I'm excited about this next phase of my life.
If in doubt, breathe out.
The power and intensity of my surges cannot be stronger than me, because it is me.
Just as my heart knows how to pump, lungs to inhale, and my hand to pull back from fire, I when and how to give birth.
Birth is a safe and wonderful experience.
I am not afraid.
I know my baby feels our calmness and confidence.
I trust in my ability to give birth.
I trust in my baby's ability to know how to be born.
My body knows exactly what it is doing.
I am confident in my ability to birth naturally, painlessly and easily.
During labor and birth, I am completely relaxed and comfortable.
I will have a peaceful, joyous and pleasurable birth.
My baby is healthy.
I am completely cooperating with my body.
I breathe deeply and slowly to relax my muscles making it easier for my uterus to work.
My body is made to give birth, nice and easy.
My body is completely relaxed.
All I need to do is relax and breathe – nothing else.
I feel the strong waves of labor and know that everything is normal and progressing.
My body knows how to have this baby just as my body knew how to grow this baby.
Keep my mind on acceptance and surrender.
I surrender my birthing over to my baby and my body.
My body has a wide open space for my baby to descend. There is nothing in the way.
My body will give birth in its own time.
I love my baby and I am doing all that is necessary to bring about a healthy birth.
Birth is an easy and natural occurrence for which my body has been perfectly designed.
The strength of my uterine contractions is a sign of my feminine strength.
I have the energy and stamina to birth my baby.
I surrender to the contractions and relinquish control of the forces within my body.
I allow my body’s natural anesthesia to flow through my body.
I do not fight the birth in any way. My body is totally relaxed. I am not afraid.
I am ready and prepared for childbirth.
My job is to simply relax and allow the birth to happen.
Each contraction produces a healthy, positive pain that I can handle.
Birth will go exactly as it should.
I will have a strong and healthy baby.
I trust my body to know how to birth this child.
I trust my instincts to know what I need in labor.
I trust my instincts to do what is best for my baby.
Only I can give birth to this baby and I accept responsibility for that challenge.
Babies are born when they are ready, not when doctors, midwives or anyone decides.
My body is indeed beautifully and wonderfully made.
It’s good for me to take care of myself. I get to have a voice.
I am willing to experience all my feelings.
My pelvis releases and opens as have those of countless women before me.
My heart knows what my baby needs, my mind is learning.
I embrace the concept of healthy pain.
My body contains all the knowledge necessary to give birth to my baby.

Some of these may or may not appeal to you and that's okay. I know that I like them. Choose the ones that fit you best! Do you have any affirmations that you would like added to this list!? What affirmations did/do you find helpful? Let me know!

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What you need to know BEFORE you visit a family with a new baby!

12/18/2013

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You've been waiting for weeks to get the news and it finally comes!

"We had the baby! She's beautiful! We are set to go home in a few hours, I can't wait to be home!"

If you're like most people, there is one question that immediately floods your brain... When can I visit!? I used to be one of those people, as soon as the news came that my friend had welcomed her little one and would be headed home, I had to sit on my hands to avoid going right to her house to congratulate the new parents and snuggle the new little one. It wasn't until I became a doula that I understood just how important, overwhelming, and exhausting those first few days/weeks are for new families. I'm going to be a bit of a party pooper here and tell you that it's not a good idea to visit a new family right away. That's right, I said it! As much as you want to go to them, resist the urge to call and ask when you can visit. I know...babies are exciting. Their little bodies, soft tiny feet, and can we just take a minute to appreciate the intoxicating smell that lingers on their sweet little fuzzy heads? That scent needs to be bottled!

As a doula, I visit families after the birth of their child to check in, assist with any breastfeeding concerns, process their birth (if they need/want to), etc.. And normally this happens in the first week of the baby's birth so I can tell you that when I visit my clients, most of them are EXHAUSTED and drained. If you are headed to a family or friend's house after the birth of their baby, there are some things that you should know before you head over. With these simple tips, you'll feel helpful and the new parents will appreciate what a good friend you're being in this time of transition for them!

Wait for the phone to ring.

Wait for them to invite you over.

Yes, yes, I know...you want to go visit now. But it's best if you wait for them to invite you over. If you want them know that you're glad to help after the baby is born, let them know that you are available if they need anything after the baby comes and they shouldn't hesitate to pick up the phone. That way, they know that they have someone to is available to support them and is okay with coming over to help out. After the baby is born, if you want to remind them, don't call. Send a text message or an email but understand that they might not respond. As a doula, when I send messages to my postpartum clients, more often than not, they don't respond for days, if at all. But keep in mind that they might not call you for help, they might be just fine on their own. Don't let this upset you, if they are able to handle things and don't need you, be happy!

"No time to say "Hello", Goodbye!

Be on time.

I tend to be punctual in general but for some people, it's impossible to be on time. I know what you might be thinking,

"It shouldn't matter because the people I'm visiting are family or friends."

While I would agree that sometimes being on time with family or friends is not all that important, In this situation, being on time is very important. If you agree to go over at 11am, you should make every effort to be there at the time that you agreed to. Normally, in the first few weeks of a babies life, the parents sleep when the baby sleeps and if not, they are taking that time to take care of themselves by eating or showering. Don't make them wait for you when they could be using that time to catch a nap, a shower, or a hot meal. It might be the only moment that they will get for several more hours. If you know that you're going to be late in advance, let them know. And while you're at it, see if you should reschedule for a different day. And here's something REALLY important to remember, when you get to their house, don't ring the doorbell or knock loudly. It's best if you send them a text message letting them know that you've arrived or (if you must) knock softly. If your knocking or the doorbell wakes the baby, not only will you feel bad but the parents might be frustrated.

Have a bath!

Are you clean and healthy?

I would hope that this is a no-brainer but you should NEVER visit a new family if you're sick! If you are getting over a cold, recently had a fever, coughing, sniffles, or an itch in your throat, please cancel or reschedule your visit. You don't want to risk getting the baby or the parents sick. Also, make sure that you're clean. Your clothes should be clean and you should, of course, be wearing deodorant. You should try to smell as neutral as possible. Which means NO cologne or perfume! I know you want to smell good when you meet the new baby but I promise you, he/she won't care! Perfumes and colognes can and do irritate the noses of new babies and can bother the sensitive nose of the new mother. Also, if you've recently cooked a meal in your clothes, odds are, they are saturated with the odor of whatever you cooked. If you smoke, you should make sure that your clothes and body don't smell like cigarette smoke as well. While not all of these odors are offensive, they can be harsh on the noses of the new family.

Disposable containers are a MUST

"Do you need anything!?"

Odds are, this new family has not had the chance to go to the store since they have been home from the hospital or they are running low on something. I suggest that you call, text, or email before you head over to their house and
ask them if there is anything that you can pick up for them at a nearby store or if they would like you to bring over some food. Even better, if you make a macaroni and cheese that the parents LOVE, make it for them and bring it over in a disposable dish! If they have been begging you for your killer meatloaf recipe, make it for them with a couple of sides and bring it over! (Again, I can not stress enough the importance of disposable dishes! Don't give them ANOTHER chore by now having to carefully return your great grandmother's china baking dish that was handcrafted in Italy. Leave the heirlooms at home.) Food is always an excellent gift and having a newborn in your arms makes cooking and eating a real challenge. I don't like the idea of guests cooking in the families home UNLESS they've asked you to do so. But if you DO cook in their home, please make sure that you do the dishes. You don't want to leave a mess for them to clean up when they already have enough to do!

Just jump right in!

Be helpful.

It's likely that if you ask the new parents if they need help with anything in the house, they will likely protest and tell you that they are fine and can handle it. Let them know that you really want to help and ask them to give you something to do. I have done dishes, wiped down bathrooms (and even scrubbed their toilet with the scrubby brush), folded a nearby basket of baby laundry, taken out the garbage, etc.. And I didn't even ask to do those things. I saw that it needed doing, so I did it. As I said, they will probably tell you not to do it because they don't want you to but because they're trying to be polite but once you start, they won't argue. They will appreciate the help.

You'll get to hold her soon enough.

You might not hold the baby.

I know that it's going to take some strong willpower but you must resist the urge to pick up the baby. The bad news is that you might not get the chance to hold the new baby. It's true. And you might not get to hold him/her for a couple visits. Some new moms often don't want to let anyone hold their new baby or they are practicing almost constant skin to skin. You should understand this going in and do your best to not show that you're upset if you don't get the chance to snuggle the new little one. The good news is that the parents might offer to have you hold the baby and then, you can gladly accept! If you're given the chance to hold the baby, be sure to ask if you should wash your hands. For some people, this isn't a problem, but some parents want to make sure that you have clean hands before you touch their baby. It's best if you check with them first.

What is she telling you?

Listen

Please do not make this visit about you and your troubles. Keep the conversation light hearted and focused on the family, unless they directly ask you something about yourself. If the family wants to talk about their birth, let them. It may have been a beautiful and happy experience for them that they want to share with you. It also could be that they might have experienced something unplanned or traumatic and they need to get it out, talk about it, and process with someone. Feel happy that they chose to share this with you. If you want to be helpful, you can offer to write it down for them to refer back to later. Also, I would suggest that you practice active listening. Don't spend your time formulating your response to what is being said because if you are, you're not REALLY listening. Take your time to listen to what it is that's being said. Be careful not to pry or offer advice. If the parents don't want to talk about something, let it be. The best idea is to let them lead the conversation. Don't offer advice about something unless you are asked directly. As new parents (especially if it is their first child), they are sensitive to criticism and may be lacking in confidence. If you tell them that they are doing something incorrectly, they might take it as that they are failing as parents and failing their baby.

Leave them at home

No kids allowed!

As much as little Timmy and Tammy want to visit the new baby, it's not a very good idea. Young children can get very excited, very quickly and sending them in to a situation where they are asked to be quiet and calm can be a challenge for them. Often, they start off well but as their patience and attention fades, they can become hyper, tearful, and loud. They might venture off and get into stuff or even break things while you're not watching them. If you don't think that your child is going to be able to be quiet and keep to themselves, please do everyone a favor and leave them at home. When the baby is older, you will be able to bring the young ones over for a visit.

Don't stay too long.

Don't wear out your welcome.

As exciting it is to see the parents and their new baby, please make it a point to stay no longer than an hour...TOPS. If you notice that the family is simply too tired for your visit, simply give your hugs to the new parents, leave whatever gifts, food, supplies that you brought, and let yourself out. Even if they only got to see you for a few minutes, they will appreciate you and your visit. If you've been there for about an hour and you are asked to stay longer, agree to stay for a bit longer but try to keep your visit short. New parents might not want you to leave because they may be feeling closed off from the world and need a bit of adult interaction. And that's okay. When it's time to go, you can quietly give hugs and let yourself out.

Having a new baby is wonderful but it's also tiring. New parents know how much they are loved and they understand that there is a lot of people who want to stop by for a visit. With these simple tips, you'll be able to visit the new family while also being a big help to them. They will appreciate that you didn't just want to visit to see their baby but that you are genuinely interested in helping and comforting them after such a huge change in their lives.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HELP A NEW FAMILY WHEN YOU VISITED?
WHAT DID YOU FIND TO BE MOST HELPFUL WHEN YOU HAD A NEW BABY?
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER TIPS THAT I MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN?

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The Infertile Doula

11/19/2013

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This is a story that I have debated on telling for a while and even more so now that I am a professional doula. I don't know that it's one that most doulas in my position are comfortable sharing about themselves; to strip yourself down and expose a very real and traumatic part of your life can be terrifying. I strive to always be honest with the people in my life professional or otherwise, so when someone asks me if I have children, I struggle. This question, as innocent as it is, is a very hard question to answer. You see, I do...but I don't. So I'm going to use this outlet, this blog, to tell my story and how that plays a part in how I work as a doula.

As a teen, I never had normal cycles and for whatever reason, my mother never thought to take me to see a doctor. I spent most of my teen years having roughly 2-4 cycles a year. When I was around 19 years old, I finally made my way to a doctor who told me that I had severe hypothyroidism and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...both cause infertility if left untreated. He went on to tell me that odds were, I would not be having children because I had gone without treatment
for so long. He started me on birth control and Synthroid in the effort to regulate my levels but he didn't seem optimistic. Fast forward to 2007, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I found out that we were expecting and shortly thereafter, we miscarried. When the doctor gave me the news, it was as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. It took a while to grieve for the loss of what I feel in my bones was a little girl and quite honestly, I'm still grieving. As it always does, life went on for us and soon we decided that we were going to start trying again but we have not been successful. We are looking more closely at adoption and how long our expenses would allow for fertility treatments. As you may have guessed, so far we have been unsuccessful.

So how does that play into my career and my practice as a doula? Well, I'll tell you! There are times when being an infertile doula stinks! You stand by and watch as women become mothers and sometimes secretly wish that you could trade places with her.

You find yourself watching women subconsciously rub their bellies, taking that moment without even realizing it, to connect with the baby growing within.

You yearn to experience the discomfort of labor only to emerge victorious and empowered by the miraculous work that you have just done.

You daydream about the moment when you will experience that palpable, electric love between you, your partner, and your new baby. It's true, at times, it can be overwhelming.

That's not to say that I walk around green with envy, hating all pregnant woman...

Quite the contrary, being a doula while infertile has helped me tremendously. I get to talk about birth all the time...I mean ALL the time. I love talking about pregnancy, labor, and babies. I love answering questions and continuing to learn as I build my practice. I love getting to snuggle and hold the babies that I have assisted earth side and coo over their fresh faces. And most important, I honor mothers and their families as they walk this journey of parenthood. In those moments when I'm feeling the twinges of jealousy, I remind myself that her baby is not MY baby. Just because she is experiencing it and I'm not, does not mean that she has taken something from me...I am just waiting for my turn to experience it.
Being a doula is by far the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done and even though it tugs at my heart strings sometimes, it keeps me hopeful that it WILL be my turn one day. I find great comfort in knowing that I have made a positive impact on the women whom I have served and knowing
that even though I don't yet have a child myself, that my mothering and nurturing instincts can still be put to good use until it is my turn to experience that sacred rite of passage. It may be through the science of in vitro, the wonders of Eastern medicine, or through the outstretched arms of a
child in need of a home. It may not happen like I want it to...but being a doula keeps me hopeful. Being a doula reminds me that miracles happen every day and that I should never give up on something that is so life changing.

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Breastfeeding in PUBLIC!

11/10/2013

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I have always been a big supporter of breastfeeding and a woman's right to nurse her baby wherever and whenever her child is hungry. Breastfeeding is normal, natural, and exactly what a growing child needs to thrive. This blog won't be about breast milk versus artificial baby milk because there is something far more important that I want to talk about. This blog is going to be about an interaction that I had recently that both frustrated and inspired me.

I was waiting for a potential client at a crowded coffee shop, when I saw a mom walk in carrying her beautiful, sleeping daughter in the car seat. Soon after the mother had ordered her drink, the baby woke up and began to loudly signal that it was time to eat! The mother quickly sat at a table near me and positioned her baby at her breast. Soon, the young one quieted and began to drink heartily. I had noticed that she was breastfeeding but didn't pay it much attention because I am quite literally always surrounded by newborns and toddlers alike who are nursing. It's just the norm in my life. She looked up from her baby once and our eyes met. I smiled and went back to my textbook (I was reading a about working with mothers who breastfeed, oddly enough).

As I looked up to take a sip of my passion fruit tea (no sweetener!), I noticed that there were two women sitting at a table near me who were eyeing the nursing mother. These were some of the things that I heard:

     "Can you believe she's doing that in here? I mean, this place is packed and she's got her friggin' tit out."
    "She has no business doing that, there are men in here! I would lose my mind if she did that around MY husband!"
     "She needs to take that kid to the bathroom and do that in private!"

I shot them a death stare and they seemed to quiet down for a few minutes, so I went back to my work. The woman I was meeting with had still not arrived so I was debating on leaving when I saw the women walk over to the nursing mother. She looked up and smiled at them. This was the conversation that took place:

    Woman 1: Hi! Oh what a sweet baby you have there! She's beautiful!
    Nursing Mom: Thank you! She's 2 weeks old. She IS pretty perfect."
    Woman 2: She seems hungry! Didn't you feed her before you left the house!?
    NM: Of course I did, but she is a newborn. She eats all the time!
    W1: (Trying to sound sweet) Well, don't you think that you would be better off feeding her in the bathroom? I mean, this is no place to have your boob out."
    W2: (Not so sweet) Yeah, that way other people don't have to watch. I totally support breastfeeding but not when someone does it like you're doing it. Why not give her formula when you're in public or pumped milk so that you don't have to expose yourself"
    (At this point, I think the nursing mother was embarrassed and upset that these women had been so rude. She didn't say anything, just started to collect her things.)

THIS, my friends, is when I decided that I was just going to have to say something. I turned to the table where the nursing mother was and said, "Darling, don't you dare stop feeding your beautiful little girl! You have the legal right to feed her anywhere you have the right to be and if they have a problem with what you're doing...well, they have choices to make. If what you're doing offends them so much, they can leave. If they choose to stay, they can drink THEIR coffee in the bathroom or they can accept the beautiful gift that you are giving your daughter and they can keep their nasty, bulbous noses out of your business." Then I turned back to my book. Slack-jawed, all three women didn't move an inch. Then, I heard the nursing mother say, "Yeah! If you don't like it, go drink YOUR coffee in the damn bathroom!"

The nasty women quickly made a bee line for the door when they realized that not only was this woman going to continue to breastfeed her baby, but that she also had backup just a table away. When the woman finished her coffee and she was on her way out, she stopped at my table and tearfully said, "I just wanted to thank you. You didn't even know me and you stood up for me and my baby. That doesn't happen a lot in this world anymore." We went on to talk for another 5 minutes or so about the work that I do and why I felt the need to speak up. She and I exchanged phone numbers and she went on her way.

I have always been a supporter of breastfeeding and a child's right to eat wherever and whenever she and her mother feel is appropriate. I don't believe that a woman should have to sit in a dirty, cramped bathroom stall to feed her baby as I know that I don't want to eat my lunch in there! I don't believe that a woman should have to cover her child with a blanket for fear of people seeing her breasts either. When a woman is breastfeeding, you see about the same amount of skin that one would see when she is wearing a bathing suit....so what's the difference? Because there is a baby attached to her breast or because you MIGHT see a nipple, she is somehow doing something indecent or wrong? No no no... Breastfeeding could not be more natural and beautiful. I think that a baby receiving the gift of milk from her mother is something beautiful to watch. The love in the mother's eyes as she gently strokes her baby's arm. The way the baby reaches up to caress her mother's face. The palpable love that you can feel when a mother and child are connected in this most intimate way. Who could possibly have an objection to this sacred act?!

Covered or uncovered, a mother has the right to feed her child wherever she has the right to be. If you don't like it, I would advise you to look away. If you don't want to see it, perhaps you should put a blanket over your head. To the moms who risk getting dirty looks or deal with nosey people with absolutely no manners demanding that you cover or hide yourself away...THANK YOU! Thank you for paving the way for the rest of us who either are too scared to nurse in
public or are yet to do so. Because of you, we will know that nursing is normal and healthy. We will know that we can do it because we have witnessed it being done! There may have been millions of mothers who have nursed before you but YOU are a trailblazer and an inspiration!

Next time you're out, if you see a woman feeding her baby (covered or uncovered!), smile at her. Don't make a show of it, but if you can, thank her for having the courage to do so. It could be her 264th time feeding her baby in public or it could be her very first time! Either way...I'm sure that you will make her day.

It is my sincere hope that if there is a debate that it is done with loving kindness and respect for each other. We are all entitled to our opinions but please express them respectfully.

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So you're having a baby!? Do you REALLY need all that stuff???

10/24/2013

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In the interest of full disclosure, I should preface this blog with telling you that I am not yet a mother so this is all just my humble opinion. I have done a fair amount of research and I have also spent a lot of time around people who have either used products like this or who have sworn off other products. So with that said, here are my tips!

*Invest in a good, comfortable baby carrier (or two)
I make wraps like the Moby because of the variety of positions you can wrap
baby in and the fact that you can use it from birth up to 35 pounds. But I have used and love the Maya wrap. Not only is it SUPER simple to use but it seems like the little tots love it! For older children, I have friends who swear by the Ergo. As I said, I don't have children, so I can't say which I prefer but I do know what I won't be buying! Don't buy a carrier because of name recognition. The front, forward-facing style carriers have been found to be extremely uncomfortable (not to mention the risk of hip dysplasia...look it up!). I have heard of local birth centers occasionally hosting a baby wearing night where you can go and try on several styles of carriers to see which is most comfortable for you. Check and see if you can find something like that in your area! You won't regret it.

*Nurseries are over rated Yeah I said it! Let's be honest here. Truth is, your child will more than likely be next to your bed (or in it) for the first six months of his life. If you're planning on having baby in your room, don't stress about the nursery. Baby won't be mad at you because his crib isn't set up yet, his nautical themed decorations have not been ordered or because his walls aren't painted the right color which coordinates perfectly with the staining of his crib (which is still not set up).

* He will have outgrown those newborn clothes by next week
I know they are so cute and tiny, but you will hardly get any use out of them (unless you have a darling little premature babe on your hands <3). Register for bigger sizes. People who don't look at your registry are going to gravitate to the small sizes so go ahead and register for the big ones, even up to the 12 month size. That will get you to his first birthday party!

* Go gender neutral as much as possible
I won't both to bore you with my opinion on "pink for girls, blue for boys"...not to mention I don't want to make my readers angry in my 2nd blog! I know that there are a lot of parents who believe that every little girl has to have her bows and pink, frilly dresses and every little boy needs his baseball hat and blue jeans, but there are so many things that you can buy in neutral colors. Do it! Then you have less to buy next time around. (Plus you'll keep strangers guessing and let the child determine their gender..."Oh what a beautiful little....um....uh....CHILD you have there!" [guess I couldn't keep my opinion to myself...oops!])

* The person who invented baby sleepers that snap all the way up and down was not a parent
Get the zippers. You'll thank me later.

* Diapers, diapers, diapers
So you think buying diapers is a boring present? Yes....it can be. But they are so expensive and are a never ending expense (if you go with disposables). If a mom is cloth diapering, it can be more fun because you can pick out fun designs! Cloth diapering mommies can register for diapers! Register for several sizes, focusing on the bigger sizes. Newborn diapers lasted us for about two weeks before you will find that you have to move up to the next size. In conversations that I have had with some diapering moms who use disposables, they have said that their babies spent the most time in size 3 diapers, so stock up on those. For a cloth mommy, register for diapers, liners, cloth wipes, laundry detergent and all other diapering supplies.

* Standard sized receiving blankets won't swaddle my BIG TOE!
If your baby likes to be swaddled, the ones that you receive from the hospital or similar sizes are just not big enough. Find some extra big ones or have someone make you some large, lightweight blankets that you can use for swaddling and beyond. However, please keep in mind that you should learn the proper way to swaddle and as soon as baby learns to roll over, you should immediately stop swaddling.

* You really don't need 15 bottles of baby lotion...or baby powder...or diaper cream
I can count on one hand the amount of times that I have used these things on a baby in my care. I don't like how it makes them smell and they really don't need it, as long as they are not bathed too much or with harsh chemicals. Coconut oil can be used as an all natural moisturizer if needed. If your baby gets a diaper rash, then you can worry about the diaper cream. Don't register for a ton of cream just because Aunt Diane said it's the best. If there comes a time when you do need it, go to your local grocer and get some after you've decided what is safest and best for your baby's skin. Register for the things you know you will need!

* Register for good quality nursing bras and tanks
These can be pretty darn expensive but can make a HUGE difference in how you feel day in and day out. Find a brand you
love and register.

As you can see...you don't need very much! And as I said before, this blog is a summation of the items that I have seen get the MOST use from family and friends. If you have things that you couldn't live without when you brought your baby home, please feel free to add them to the comments! I want to know! :-)

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Has it really been five years already???

Pour your Intentions into the Salt Bowl.

From Los Angeles to the Ozarks

It's been a long time...

Men Becoming Fathers

Birth Affirmations

What you need to know BEFORE you visit a family with a new baby!

The Infertile Doula

Breastfeeding in PUBLIC!

So you're having a baby!? Do you REALLY need all that stuff???

Kirstin Mae Sengupta

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