Category: Doula

Pour your Intentions into the Salt Bowl.

5/31/2014

I've been thinking a lot about connection recently and how we impact the people around us. No matter how quick a connection, a change has been set in motion. An exchange...give and take.

A bee might only pause briefly atop a flower but both the bee and the flower have experienced a powerful connection. The bee, pausing only moments to collect nectar has no idea that there is an exchange taking place. As the bee sits, the flower's pollen sticks to its legs. Flower to flower the pollen is transferred and the cycle continues, creating new flowers from which the bee can drink.

Since my husband and I learned that we are going to be moving, I've been focusing a lot of my energy on the connections that I've made. I feel guilty that I didn't have the opportunity to tell everyone how much they have meant to me and how grateful I am for the lasting impact that they have had on me.

The dictionary defines a Connection as "linking of people or things: the joining together of two or more people, things, or parts". With that in mind, I wanted to mention something that I hope to do with the people in my life. I want to go to the salt bowl.

Image captured before my goodbye salt bowl ceremony

A salt bowl ceremony is an incredible practice that involves a circle of people who, with adding their own personal ingredients, co-create a large bowl full of pleasant smelling sea salt. The salt bowl is sent around the circle and as each person adds their own special ingredient (essential oils, sage, finely chopped citrus peel, lavender that you picked from your home garden, honey, sugar, etc.) they also add their intention. This can be anything that you want, a goal for your life, a thought about the relationships in the circle, a kind message to the group, aspiration, whatever intention you feel compelled to pour into the bowl is left in the salt.

When this circle is completed, everyone takes a jar of the intention filled, delicious smelling salt home with them. In times of stress, anxiety, or simply when you need a break from the day, you can return to the salt bowl. You can bathe in those intentions and love, wash your hands with the well wishes and kind thoughts that were lovingly added by family and friends, or simply close your eyes, smell, and remember the unity that you felt as each person added their selves to the bowl and how wonderfully present you were in that moment.

An experience like going to the salt bowl can be wonderfully transformative. It's a moment in time when you're holding a literal representation of yourself...being a part of something bigger. And while you're amazing on your own, great things happen when you connect and bind with those around you.

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From Los Angeles to the Ozarks

5/27/2014

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I grew up in a town of just over 4,000 people and city life was always interesting to me. Intrigued by the chaos and life force that the city offered, I jumped at the chance to move there in 2007. I was so excited to go, not only because I was going to be able to be reunited with my boyfriend (Now husband, he moved to LA six months prior) but because I was intrigued by the lifestyle and eager to become a part of it. There are a lot of things about living in the city that my husband and I really enjoy. Being a hop, skip, and a jump away from the beach has been a blast...we even got married on the beach because we love it so much!

For the last 6 weeks or so, my husband has been interviewing with the legal department of a large company based in Springfield, Missouri. Two months of work, eleven interviews, and one hectic business trip later...they offered him the job and today, he accepted! We are very excited about this move and we are hopeful for what it promises for our future, our family and our careers.

Leaving Los Angeles' rich, honest, and unified birth community is going to be very hard for me. I have been spoiled with a rich and supportive birth community as well. We support one another, raise each other up, and challenge each other to be better. These doula sisters (and a few brothers), midwives, etc., are more than colleagues...we are friends. I have never been a part of a community like this and I am so thankful that I have had the opportunity to grow my business in a city with such passionate birth workers. We have also been blessed to become friends with some amazing and unique people in our time here. Lactation consultants, chefs, musicians, scientists...they come from all walks of life, but what binds them is the passion that I've come to expect from those who call this place home.

I am very excited to build my business and support the families in Springfield! Not only will this move be good for my family but it will be good for Shanti Birth Services...I'm sure of it! I already have a huge list of things that I would like to accomplish so once I get there I can hit the ground running! Thank you to everyone who has trusted me as your doula, placenta encapsulation specialist, belly caster, blessingway planner, etc.. It has been my most sincere honor to work with you and your families. A big thank you to all of the men and women in the Los Angeles birth community! Your support has been invaluable!

I am very excited for this new journey and I hope that you'll come along with me!

This is Springfield, Missouri. I love how green it is!

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One of the hardest things about being a doula.

1/19/2014

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There are so many great things about being a doula but one of the hardest parts, for me, is being on call!

Not knowing when the "I think this is it!" call will come can be stressful. I'm a bit of a night owl so I won't slide into bed until after midnight. When I go on call I have to force myself to go to bed early and often, this ends with me arguing with myself.

"She won't call tonight, just stay up for a bit longer!"
"Okay, but what if she does!? Then you won't have any energy to support this mother!"
"Oh come on, Beyond Scared Straight has an all night marathon! Do you really want to miss that!?"

This happens every night when I'm on call. :-) I do my best to go to bed early because I know that odds are, I'll have just started snoring when my phone will sound! I don't drink coffee or chug RedBull so I know that if I don't sleep, I'll be spending the next 18 hours running on vapors.

Then there is the unfortunate fact that you can't concretely plan anything in your life! I'm constantly scheduling, rescheduling, and scheduling again! Things like doctor appointments, birthdays, anniversaries often fall by the wayside. People in my life have come to understand that birth is very unpredictable and therefore, so am I. But I still see the disappointment in their eyes when I explain that I have to cancel with them again because something "birthy" came up. I can't turn off my phone in a crowded theater, hang out with the folks who are more carefree, or order that dirty martini because the phone could ring at any time. My life has definitely been changed by joining this profession. And even though sometimes being on call is no fun, when I get the call, things falls gently into place...I get up, shower, get dressed and grab my gear and go.

As stressful as being on call can sometimes be, It is after I've gotten this call that I get to do what I LOVE to do. Be with and support these mothers as they walk their journey through labor and childbirth...stand beside and guide their partners as they are shown the power that women possess...and most important of all is to witness the power of birth. The miracle that is first breath and the electric love that erupts and fills the room from the family that has just been created. That is the best part of being a doula!

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What you need to know BEFORE you visit a family with a new baby!

12/18/2013

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You've been waiting for weeks to get the news and it finally comes!

"We had the baby! She's beautiful! We are set to go home in a few hours, I can't wait to be home!"

If you're like most people, there is one question that immediately floods your brain... When can I visit!? I used to be one of those people, as soon as the news came that my friend had welcomed her little one and would be headed home, I had to sit on my hands to avoid going right to her house to congratulate the new parents and snuggle the new little one. It wasn't until I became a doula that I understood just how important, overwhelming, and exhausting those first few days/weeks are for new families. I'm going to be a bit of a party pooper here and tell you that it's not a good idea to visit a new family right away. That's right, I said it! As much as you want to go to them, resist the urge to call and ask when you can visit. I know...babies are exciting. Their little bodies, soft tiny feet, and can we just take a minute to appreciate the intoxicating smell that lingers on their sweet little fuzzy heads? That scent needs to be bottled!

As a doula, I visit families after the birth of their child to check in, assist with any breastfeeding concerns, process their birth (if they need/want to), etc.. And normally this happens in the first week of the baby's birth so I can tell you that when I visit my clients, most of them are EXHAUSTED and drained. If you are headed to a family or friend's house after the birth of their baby, there are some things that you should know before you head over. With these simple tips, you'll feel helpful and the new parents will appreciate what a good friend you're being in this time of transition for them!

Wait for the phone to ring.

Wait for them to invite you over.

Yes, yes, I know...you want to go visit now. But it's best if you wait for them to invite you over. If you want them know that you're glad to help after the baby is born, let them know that you are available if they need anything after the baby comes and they shouldn't hesitate to pick up the phone. That way, they know that they have someone to is available to support them and is okay with coming over to help out. After the baby is born, if you want to remind them, don't call. Send a text message or an email but understand that they might not respond. As a doula, when I send messages to my postpartum clients, more often than not, they don't respond for days, if at all. But keep in mind that they might not call you for help, they might be just fine on their own. Don't let this upset you, if they are able to handle things and don't need you, be happy!

"No time to say "Hello", Goodbye!

Be on time.

I tend to be punctual in general but for some people, it's impossible to be on time. I know what you might be thinking,

"It shouldn't matter because the people I'm visiting are family or friends."

While I would agree that sometimes being on time with family or friends is not all that important, In this situation, being on time is very important. If you agree to go over at 11am, you should make every effort to be there at the time that you agreed to. Normally, in the first few weeks of a babies life, the parents sleep when the baby sleeps and if not, they are taking that time to take care of themselves by eating or showering. Don't make them wait for you when they could be using that time to catch a nap, a shower, or a hot meal. It might be the only moment that they will get for several more hours. If you know that you're going to be late in advance, let them know. And while you're at it, see if you should reschedule for a different day. And here's something REALLY important to remember, when you get to their house, don't ring the doorbell or knock loudly. It's best if you send them a text message letting them know that you've arrived or (if you must) knock softly. If your knocking or the doorbell wakes the baby, not only will you feel bad but the parents might be frustrated.

Have a bath!

Are you clean and healthy?

I would hope that this is a no-brainer but you should NEVER visit a new family if you're sick! If you are getting over a cold, recently had a fever, coughing, sniffles, or an itch in your throat, please cancel or reschedule your visit. You don't want to risk getting the baby or the parents sick. Also, make sure that you're clean. Your clothes should be clean and you should, of course, be wearing deodorant. You should try to smell as neutral as possible. Which means NO cologne or perfume! I know you want to smell good when you meet the new baby but I promise you, he/she won't care! Perfumes and colognes can and do irritate the noses of new babies and can bother the sensitive nose of the new mother. Also, if you've recently cooked a meal in your clothes, odds are, they are saturated with the odor of whatever you cooked. If you smoke, you should make sure that your clothes and body don't smell like cigarette smoke as well. While not all of these odors are offensive, they can be harsh on the noses of the new family.

Disposable containers are a MUST

"Do you need anything!?"

Odds are, this new family has not had the chance to go to the store since they have been home from the hospital or they are running low on something. I suggest that you call, text, or email before you head over to their house and
ask them if there is anything that you can pick up for them at a nearby store or if they would like you to bring over some food. Even better, if you make a macaroni and cheese that the parents LOVE, make it for them and bring it over in a disposable dish! If they have been begging you for your killer meatloaf recipe, make it for them with a couple of sides and bring it over! (Again, I can not stress enough the importance of disposable dishes! Don't give them ANOTHER chore by now having to carefully return your great grandmother's china baking dish that was handcrafted in Italy. Leave the heirlooms at home.) Food is always an excellent gift and having a newborn in your arms makes cooking and eating a real challenge. I don't like the idea of guests cooking in the families home UNLESS they've asked you to do so. But if you DO cook in their home, please make sure that you do the dishes. You don't want to leave a mess for them to clean up when they already have enough to do!

Just jump right in!

Be helpful.

It's likely that if you ask the new parents if they need help with anything in the house, they will likely protest and tell you that they are fine and can handle it. Let them know that you really want to help and ask them to give you something to do. I have done dishes, wiped down bathrooms (and even scrubbed their toilet with the scrubby brush), folded a nearby basket of baby laundry, taken out the garbage, etc.. And I didn't even ask to do those things. I saw that it needed doing, so I did it. As I said, they will probably tell you not to do it because they don't want you to but because they're trying to be polite but once you start, they won't argue. They will appreciate the help.

You'll get to hold her soon enough.

You might not hold the baby.

I know that it's going to take some strong willpower but you must resist the urge to pick up the baby. The bad news is that you might not get the chance to hold the new baby. It's true. And you might not get to hold him/her for a couple visits. Some new moms often don't want to let anyone hold their new baby or they are practicing almost constant skin to skin. You should understand this going in and do your best to not show that you're upset if you don't get the chance to snuggle the new little one. The good news is that the parents might offer to have you hold the baby and then, you can gladly accept! If you're given the chance to hold the baby, be sure to ask if you should wash your hands. For some people, this isn't a problem, but some parents want to make sure that you have clean hands before you touch their baby. It's best if you check with them first.

What is she telling you?

Listen

Please do not make this visit about you and your troubles. Keep the conversation light hearted and focused on the family, unless they directly ask you something about yourself. If the family wants to talk about their birth, let them. It may have been a beautiful and happy experience for them that they want to share with you. It also could be that they might have experienced something unplanned or traumatic and they need to get it out, talk about it, and process with someone. Feel happy that they chose to share this with you. If you want to be helpful, you can offer to write it down for them to refer back to later. Also, I would suggest that you practice active listening. Don't spend your time formulating your response to what is being said because if you are, you're not REALLY listening. Take your time to listen to what it is that's being said. Be careful not to pry or offer advice. If the parents don't want to talk about something, let it be. The best idea is to let them lead the conversation. Don't offer advice about something unless you are asked directly. As new parents (especially if it is their first child), they are sensitive to criticism and may be lacking in confidence. If you tell them that they are doing something incorrectly, they might take it as that they are failing as parents and failing their baby.

Leave them at home

No kids allowed!

As much as little Timmy and Tammy want to visit the new baby, it's not a very good idea. Young children can get very excited, very quickly and sending them in to a situation where they are asked to be quiet and calm can be a challenge for them. Often, they start off well but as their patience and attention fades, they can become hyper, tearful, and loud. They might venture off and get into stuff or even break things while you're not watching them. If you don't think that your child is going to be able to be quiet and keep to themselves, please do everyone a favor and leave them at home. When the baby is older, you will be able to bring the young ones over for a visit.

Don't stay too long.

Don't wear out your welcome.

As exciting it is to see the parents and their new baby, please make it a point to stay no longer than an hour...TOPS. If you notice that the family is simply too tired for your visit, simply give your hugs to the new parents, leave whatever gifts, food, supplies that you brought, and let yourself out. Even if they only got to see you for a few minutes, they will appreciate you and your visit. If you've been there for about an hour and you are asked to stay longer, agree to stay for a bit longer but try to keep your visit short. New parents might not want you to leave because they may be feeling closed off from the world and need a bit of adult interaction. And that's okay. When it's time to go, you can quietly give hugs and let yourself out.

Having a new baby is wonderful but it's also tiring. New parents know how much they are loved and they understand that there is a lot of people who want to stop by for a visit. With these simple tips, you'll be able to visit the new family while also being a big help to them. They will appreciate that you didn't just want to visit to see their baby but that you are genuinely interested in helping and comforting them after such a huge change in their lives.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HELP A NEW FAMILY WHEN YOU VISITED?
WHAT DID YOU FIND TO BE MOST HELPFUL WHEN YOU HAD A NEW BABY?
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER TIPS THAT I MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN?

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The Infertile Doula

11/19/2013

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This is a story that I have debated on telling for a while and even more so now that I am a professional doula. I don't know that it's one that most doulas in my position are comfortable sharing about themselves; to strip yourself down and expose a very real and traumatic part of your life can be terrifying. I strive to always be honest with the people in my life professional or otherwise, so when someone asks me if I have children, I struggle. This question, as innocent as it is, is a very hard question to answer. You see, I do...but I don't. So I'm going to use this outlet, this blog, to tell my story and how that plays a part in how I work as a doula.

As a teen, I never had normal cycles and for whatever reason, my mother never thought to take me to see a doctor. I spent most of my teen years having roughly 2-4 cycles a year. When I was around 19 years old, I finally made my way to a doctor who told me that I had severe hypothyroidism and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...both cause infertility if left untreated. He went on to tell me that odds were, I would not be having children because I had gone without treatment
for so long. He started me on birth control and Synthroid in the effort to regulate my levels but he didn't seem optimistic. Fast forward to 2007, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I found out that we were expecting and shortly thereafter, we miscarried. When the doctor gave me the news, it was as if all of the air had been sucked out of the room and suddenly, I couldn't breathe. It took a while to grieve for the loss of what I feel in my bones was a little girl and quite honestly, I'm still grieving. As it always does, life went on for us and soon we decided that we were going to start trying again but we have not been successful. We are looking more closely at adoption and how long our expenses would allow for fertility treatments. As you may have guessed, so far we have been unsuccessful.

So how does that play into my career and my practice as a doula? Well, I'll tell you! There are times when being an infertile doula stinks! You stand by and watch as women become mothers and sometimes secretly wish that you could trade places with her.

You find yourself watching women subconsciously rub their bellies, taking that moment without even realizing it, to connect with the baby growing within.

You yearn to experience the discomfort of labor only to emerge victorious and empowered by the miraculous work that you have just done.

You daydream about the moment when you will experience that palpable, electric love between you, your partner, and your new baby. It's true, at times, it can be overwhelming.

That's not to say that I walk around green with envy, hating all pregnant woman...

Quite the contrary, being a doula while infertile has helped me tremendously. I get to talk about birth all the time...I mean ALL the time. I love talking about pregnancy, labor, and babies. I love answering questions and continuing to learn as I build my practice. I love getting to snuggle and hold the babies that I have assisted earth side and coo over their fresh faces. And most important, I honor mothers and their families as they walk this journey of parenthood. In those moments when I'm feeling the twinges of jealousy, I remind myself that her baby is not MY baby. Just because she is experiencing it and I'm not, does not mean that she has taken something from me...I am just waiting for my turn to experience it.
Being a doula is by far the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done and even though it tugs at my heart strings sometimes, it keeps me hopeful that it WILL be my turn one day. I find great comfort in knowing that I have made a positive impact on the women whom I have served and knowing
that even though I don't yet have a child myself, that my mothering and nurturing instincts can still be put to good use until it is my turn to experience that sacred rite of passage. It may be through the science of in vitro, the wonders of Eastern medicine, or through the outstretched arms of a
child in need of a home. It may not happen like I want it to...but being a doula keeps me hopeful. Being a doula reminds me that miracles happen every day and that I should never give up on something that is so life changing.

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"Hot Dog, she started a blog!"

10/24/2013

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Hey everyone!
After months of flip-flopping on the subject, I've finally decided to start a blog! Now I'm not even going to kid you into thinking that everything I write is going to be gold, so please don't expect TOO much from me...at least in the beginning. I'm sure that there are going to be some posts that are controversial and we might have a healthy debate from time to time. I'm excited to begin this journey and if you're reading this, I'm glad you've decided to come along for the ride. You probably already know me, either personally or professionally, but just in case you're reading this and have no clue who I am... I'll tell you a bit about myself.
I was raised by a single mother in a small town in Connecticut. While I'm sure that she did the best that she could, I didn't have the best upbringing. In fact, at times it was downright terrible. I spent most of my time devising ways to trick my friends and their parents into inviting me to sleep over their house so that I wouldn't have to go home at night. Many girls in my grade were terribly cruel and as a result of their constant ridicule and my exhausting home life, I began to find ways to hurt myself. When my life was threatened, I ran away from home. This was just a few months before I graduated from high school and since my family decided to move away, I was homeless that summer. I made my way crashing on couches and floors and babysitting in exchange for food. I spent 4 terrifying nights in an alley, sleeping in between a huge garbage bin and a brick wall.
I eventually made my way to Massachusetts where things finally started to work out in my favor. I got a job at a nursing home assisting the elderly. I loved that job. It was really rewarding but SUPER difficult mentally, emotionally, and physically. Every time one of my patients passed away, I went home a sobbing mess. It was really hard to go to work knowing that I might lose someone that I had come to care about. Soon I moved on to work with at risk teens in a residential setting. This would turn out to be something that I would spend almost a decade doing. Those kids seriously taught me so many life lessons and there is really no way to repay them.
I started to work as a doula when a friend asked me if I would attend her birth. That peaked my interest and I decided that I wanted to start learning about what a doula did, but it would take me another year or so before I would take the steps to get certified. Since becoming a doula, I've learned a heck of a lot. I've always had a huge knowledge of birth, babies, child care, etc. but never really knew how I was going to put that to use besides for being a mother. So when I had the opportunity, or should I say "kick in the pants" to get certified through DONA (Doulas of North America), I jumped on it. I mean, I dove in head first! This career has been the most incredible, challenging, rewarding, moving, humbling thing that I have ever done in my life. It has shown me the incredible strength that we as women possess, the tender compassion that husbands have for their wives, and fierce love that new parents have for a child that they have only just met. I'm welcomed to take part in one of the most intimate moments in a person's life and each and every time...I am overwhelmed. I have found my place. I have found my calling. I know deep down in my heart that I was born to be a mother but I also know that I was born to be a doula. And that's kind of the same thing. :-)

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Pour your Intentions into the Salt Bowl.

From Los Angeles to the Ozarks

One of the hardest things about being a doula.

What you need to know BEFORE you visit a family with a new baby!

The Infertile Doula

"Hot Dog, she started a blog!"

Kirstin Mae Sengupta

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