Category: Baby

Men Becoming Fathers

3/5/2014

I'm going to tell you about my favorite moment while working with a family. It might shock some of you to know that it's NOT watching my pregnant client birth her baby. WHAT!? I know, I know...just hear me out. There is a moment that always seems to smack me right in the face and grab my heart so tightly that I forget to breathe. My favorite part is watching the moment when men become fathers. More specifically, their face the moment their precious baby is born. (For the sake of simplification, I'm going to use the male pronouns to describe the partner.)

It was unbelievable! I was the first person to hold her. I didn't get that with my first child, Madison. I'm in the Army and was in a different state when she was born. I'm glad that I got to feel that bond right away with Lilia. (Photo submitted by Christy G.)

I supported a family where both the client and her partner labored beautifully together. When I arrived to the hospital, the husband and I locked eyes. He smiled, nodded, and winked at me. She seemed to be doing well with his support so I settled in and watched for a while. He was comfortable supporting her; he knew the kind of support that he wanted to be, what his wife needed, and he knew that she could do it with his help. He held her and surrounded her with love and spoken softly to her whenever he felt that she needed encouragement. I was there simply as their consistency and to be a voice should they need it. He wiped her face and brushed back her hair as she labored. (You can read his story in the black capitalized writing below.)

"KIRSTIN AND I WERE A GOOD TEAM. MY WIFE AND I DIDN'T NEED HER TOO MUCH UNTIL
THE END. AS MY WIFE CONTRACTED, I DANCED WITH HER, HELD HER, AND TOLD HER HOW
MUCH I LOVED HER. I TOLD HER HOW PROUD I WAS OF HER AND HOW AMAZING SHE WAS
DOING. KIRSTIN WAS ALWAYS CLOSE BY BUT LET US HAVE THE SPACE THAT WE WANTED TO
EXPERIENCE THIS EVENT IN OUR OWN INTIMATE WAY"

I was full of so many emotions...Happiness, fear, anticipation. I had only 3 weeks left until I had to leave for Iraq, and all I knew was that I wanted to bond with his little girl before I had to leave.

So this is love...

As we progress through the labor, the husband's tend to mirror their laboring partner. If she is calm and relaxed, his face is loose and soft. If she is struggling through a contraction, his face is screwed up tight with his jaw clenched. If she is holding her breath...often, he is doing the same. I feel that in this moment, he feels vulnerable and helpless because he can't take that pain away, so he subconsciously tries to experience it with her.

"WATCHING MY WIFE GO THROUGH THAT PAIN WAS THE HARDEST THING THAT I'VE EVER HAD
TO DO IN MY LIFE. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO "FIX" THINGS OR MAKE HER FEEL BETTER
WHEN SHE IS SAD OR SICK BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT. I JUST WANTED TO TAKE THE PAIN
AWAY. IT DIDN'T HELP COMPLETELY BUT HAVING KIRSTIN THERE TO REMIND ME THAT THE
PAIN WAS NORMAL AND NECESSARY MADE ME FEEL BETTER."

Holy sh-t. Now what? Just kidding! Wow. Labor wasn't what I expected. It wasn't what they described in the classes. And then the end result - how lucky am I? She's beautiful.

"Hey, I know your voice! You must be my daddy!"

So the pain and discomfort continue on. The mother pushes through this incredible and awesome work while the partner supports her as best as he can. Then all at once... there is a shift. A child is born and in that same moment, a father is also born. Intense love, relief, joy and probably a healthy bit of fear rushes over. It fills him, so much so that it seems to shine out of every pore. His baby, so small and new, emerges into the world. All at once, he's seeing his heart and life before his very eyes. It's kind of hard to describe but if you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about. :-)

"THE MOMENT THAT MY SON WAS BORN...WOW...THERE IS NO WAY TO DESCRIBE THE LOVE
AND DEVOTION THAT I FELT FOR HIM AND MY WIFE IN THAT MOMENT. EVERY MOMENT THAT
HAS FOLLOWED SINCE THEN HAS BEEN FILLED WITH PURE AND FIERCE LOVE. WATCHING MY
WIFE PUSH OUR SON INTO THE WORLD WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING THAT I'VE EVER
WITNESSED AND WHEN MY SON TOOK HIS FIRST BREATH, I KNEW THEN THAT GOD EXISTED."

It was like time stopped. I forgot about every problem and everything that we went through. The only thing that I knew was that this was one of the happiest moments in my world and that's the best thing in your life.

I love that first moment after a baby is born when Dad's face is awash with joy, awe and respect. I tear up every time a new father leans down to kiss his exhausted wife and drink in the beauty of his new child. When I visited them for their postpartum visit, they delighted in having me hold their new son, tell me stories about what had happened since his birth and how happy they were. The husband told me how he wanted to shout his joy from the rooftops. He told me how proud and impressed he was with the amazing and hard work that his wife did to birth their son. I saw him again a few weeks ago and I swear he was floating ten feet off the ground, that's how in love he was.

"I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THAT WOMAN AND LITTLE BOY. I WOULD GLADLY GIVE MY LIFE
FOR THEM. HOW FUNNY THAT I WOULD LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR SOMEONE THAT I'VE ONLY
KNOWN FOR A LITTLE OVER THREE WEEKS? MY CHILD MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME...WITHOUT
HIM AND MY AMAZING WIFE, I AM NOTHING."

Becoming a father was an indescribable moment in my life. There's nothing to compare the amazing feeling I had when she was born. I felt like a family instead of a couple. She's a Daddy's girl and my entire world.

There is something so special about watching men become fathers. As they embrace their new life and hold their partner and baby close, I am reminded at how amazing this work is.
So to all you fathers, dads, papas and padres out there...You're the best!

I would like to give a HUGE thank you to all of the families that submitted photos and stories for this blog.
Jack and Christy G. Trish and Chris G. Danielle F. Nicole P. and her father
Hannah F. Chelsea and Jesus N. Amanda and Jeremiah L. Carlos E. (story in caps)
It was my main goal to personalize this blog and I feel that with your beautiful pictures and stories, we did just that!

In the comments, tell us about your journey to parenthood! Were you a nervous father awaiting the birth of your baby? Were you an excited mother enjoying the unknown of pregnancy? Tell us, we want to know!

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Birth Affirmations

1/19/2014

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I've been umming and aahing about the blog that I want to write at the moment. It still needs some work so I'll be taking a few more hours (or days!) writing/editing until I am happy with it. I did, however, just get off of the phone with a client who had a disappointing visit with her doctor. Her doctor suggested that she schedule an induction (with no medical necessity) and when my client said that she wanted to wait for labor to start naturally, she heard, "You're being very irresponsible. Who's the doctor here?" SO....instead of dwelling on the fear and anger that she is feeling, I reminded her of this list and we read affirmations together. You'll find this list below. :-)

I trust my body.
My body was made for this.
I listen to my body and I respond accordingly.
I am connected to my infant; my baby knows my heart beat, my breathing, my voice, the feeling of my love.
My body is perfect for birthing, it grew my baby all the while I just went about my normal living.
I trust my body's wisdom and knowledge.
I trust my body's ancient structure, and I give birth easily and effortlessly as I trust my body to do the work.
I am celebrating myself, my life, and my coming birthing day.
I affirm myself as a good mother.
I lovingly accept my changing body.
I easily recognize where stress is coming from and I learn to release that easily.
I notice when I get tense, and I consciously relax those areas of my body.
I remind myself to relax my whole body often.
My body is beautiful.
I am proud of my body and I trust it.
I trust my body; All I have to do, is breathe and my body will do all the rest.
I accept each stage of the pregnancy as a new wonderful adventure.
I accept each stage of the birth as a new wonderful adventure.
As I prepare for labor I remember I am in control.
I trust my body, I love my body!
I am an amazing being.
I wait on what is best for my baby and I let my baby set the pace.
My mind and body are calm.
I stop my mind from running to thoughts of worry or fears, by using positive thinking.
I notice when my thoughts are fearful, and I choose to change them.
I look forward to this transition, and I'm excited about this next phase of my life.
If in doubt, breathe out.
The power and intensity of my surges cannot be stronger than me, because it is me.
Just as my heart knows how to pump, lungs to inhale, and my hand to pull back from fire, I when and how to give birth.
Birth is a safe and wonderful experience.
I am not afraid.
I know my baby feels our calmness and confidence.
I trust in my ability to give birth.
I trust in my baby's ability to know how to be born.
My body knows exactly what it is doing.
I am confident in my ability to birth naturally, painlessly and easily.
During labor and birth, I am completely relaxed and comfortable.
I will have a peaceful, joyous and pleasurable birth.
My baby is healthy.
I am completely cooperating with my body.
I breathe deeply and slowly to relax my muscles making it easier for my uterus to work.
My body is made to give birth, nice and easy.
My body is completely relaxed.
All I need to do is relax and breathe – nothing else.
I feel the strong waves of labor and know that everything is normal and progressing.
My body knows how to have this baby just as my body knew how to grow this baby.
Keep my mind on acceptance and surrender.
I surrender my birthing over to my baby and my body.
My body has a wide open space for my baby to descend. There is nothing in the way.
My body will give birth in its own time.
I love my baby and I am doing all that is necessary to bring about a healthy birth.
Birth is an easy and natural occurrence for which my body has been perfectly designed.
The strength of my uterine contractions is a sign of my feminine strength.
I have the energy and stamina to birth my baby.
I surrender to the contractions and relinquish control of the forces within my body.
I allow my body’s natural anesthesia to flow through my body.
I do not fight the birth in any way. My body is totally relaxed. I am not afraid.
I am ready and prepared for childbirth.
My job is to simply relax and allow the birth to happen.
Each contraction produces a healthy, positive pain that I can handle.
Birth will go exactly as it should.
I will have a strong and healthy baby.
I trust my body to know how to birth this child.
I trust my instincts to know what I need in labor.
I trust my instincts to do what is best for my baby.
Only I can give birth to this baby and I accept responsibility for that challenge.
Babies are born when they are ready, not when doctors, midwives or anyone decides.
My body is indeed beautifully and wonderfully made.
It’s good for me to take care of myself. I get to have a voice.
I am willing to experience all my feelings.
My pelvis releases and opens as have those of countless women before me.
My heart knows what my baby needs, my mind is learning.
I embrace the concept of healthy pain.
My body contains all the knowledge necessary to give birth to my baby.

Some of these may or may not appeal to you and that's okay. I know that I like them. Choose the ones that fit you best! Do you have any affirmations that you would like added to this list!? What affirmations did/do you find helpful? Let me know!

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One of the hardest things about being a doula.

1/19/2014

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There are so many great things about being a doula but one of the hardest parts, for me, is being on call!

Not knowing when the "I think this is it!" call will come can be stressful. I'm a bit of a night owl so I won't slide into bed until after midnight. When I go on call I have to force myself to go to bed early and often, this ends with me arguing with myself.

"She won't call tonight, just stay up for a bit longer!"
"Okay, but what if she does!? Then you won't have any energy to support this mother!"
"Oh come on, Beyond Scared Straight has an all night marathon! Do you really want to miss that!?"

This happens every night when I'm on call. :-) I do my best to go to bed early because I know that odds are, I'll have just started snoring when my phone will sound! I don't drink coffee or chug RedBull so I know that if I don't sleep, I'll be spending the next 18 hours running on vapors.

Then there is the unfortunate fact that you can't concretely plan anything in your life! I'm constantly scheduling, rescheduling, and scheduling again! Things like doctor appointments, birthdays, anniversaries often fall by the wayside. People in my life have come to understand that birth is very unpredictable and therefore, so am I. But I still see the disappointment in their eyes when I explain that I have to cancel with them again because something "birthy" came up. I can't turn off my phone in a crowded theater, hang out with the folks who are more carefree, or order that dirty martini because the phone could ring at any time. My life has definitely been changed by joining this profession. And even though sometimes being on call is no fun, when I get the call, things falls gently into place...I get up, shower, get dressed and grab my gear and go.

As stressful as being on call can sometimes be, It is after I've gotten this call that I get to do what I LOVE to do. Be with and support these mothers as they walk their journey through labor and childbirth...stand beside and guide their partners as they are shown the power that women possess...and most important of all is to witness the power of birth. The miracle that is first breath and the electric love that erupts and fills the room from the family that has just been created. That is the best part of being a doula!

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What you need to know BEFORE you visit a family with a new baby!

12/18/2013

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You've been waiting for weeks to get the news and it finally comes!

"We had the baby! She's beautiful! We are set to go home in a few hours, I can't wait to be home!"

If you're like most people, there is one question that immediately floods your brain... When can I visit!? I used to be one of those people, as soon as the news came that my friend had welcomed her little one and would be headed home, I had to sit on my hands to avoid going right to her house to congratulate the new parents and snuggle the new little one. It wasn't until I became a doula that I understood just how important, overwhelming, and exhausting those first few days/weeks are for new families. I'm going to be a bit of a party pooper here and tell you that it's not a good idea to visit a new family right away. That's right, I said it! As much as you want to go to them, resist the urge to call and ask when you can visit. I know...babies are exciting. Their little bodies, soft tiny feet, and can we just take a minute to appreciate the intoxicating smell that lingers on their sweet little fuzzy heads? That scent needs to be bottled!

As a doula, I visit families after the birth of their child to check in, assist with any breastfeeding concerns, process their birth (if they need/want to), etc.. And normally this happens in the first week of the baby's birth so I can tell you that when I visit my clients, most of them are EXHAUSTED and drained. If you are headed to a family or friend's house after the birth of their baby, there are some things that you should know before you head over. With these simple tips, you'll feel helpful and the new parents will appreciate what a good friend you're being in this time of transition for them!

Wait for the phone to ring.

Wait for them to invite you over.

Yes, yes, I know...you want to go visit now. But it's best if you wait for them to invite you over. If you want them know that you're glad to help after the baby is born, let them know that you are available if they need anything after the baby comes and they shouldn't hesitate to pick up the phone. That way, they know that they have someone to is available to support them and is okay with coming over to help out. After the baby is born, if you want to remind them, don't call. Send a text message or an email but understand that they might not respond. As a doula, when I send messages to my postpartum clients, more often than not, they don't respond for days, if at all. But keep in mind that they might not call you for help, they might be just fine on their own. Don't let this upset you, if they are able to handle things and don't need you, be happy!

"No time to say "Hello", Goodbye!

Be on time.

I tend to be punctual in general but for some people, it's impossible to be on time. I know what you might be thinking,

"It shouldn't matter because the people I'm visiting are family or friends."

While I would agree that sometimes being on time with family or friends is not all that important, In this situation, being on time is very important. If you agree to go over at 11am, you should make every effort to be there at the time that you agreed to. Normally, in the first few weeks of a babies life, the parents sleep when the baby sleeps and if not, they are taking that time to take care of themselves by eating or showering. Don't make them wait for you when they could be using that time to catch a nap, a shower, or a hot meal. It might be the only moment that they will get for several more hours. If you know that you're going to be late in advance, let them know. And while you're at it, see if you should reschedule for a different day. And here's something REALLY important to remember, when you get to their house, don't ring the doorbell or knock loudly. It's best if you send them a text message letting them know that you've arrived or (if you must) knock softly. If your knocking or the doorbell wakes the baby, not only will you feel bad but the parents might be frustrated.

Have a bath!

Are you clean and healthy?

I would hope that this is a no-brainer but you should NEVER visit a new family if you're sick! If you are getting over a cold, recently had a fever, coughing, sniffles, or an itch in your throat, please cancel or reschedule your visit. You don't want to risk getting the baby or the parents sick. Also, make sure that you're clean. Your clothes should be clean and you should, of course, be wearing deodorant. You should try to smell as neutral as possible. Which means NO cologne or perfume! I know you want to smell good when you meet the new baby but I promise you, he/she won't care! Perfumes and colognes can and do irritate the noses of new babies and can bother the sensitive nose of the new mother. Also, if you've recently cooked a meal in your clothes, odds are, they are saturated with the odor of whatever you cooked. If you smoke, you should make sure that your clothes and body don't smell like cigarette smoke as well. While not all of these odors are offensive, they can be harsh on the noses of the new family.

Disposable containers are a MUST

"Do you need anything!?"

Odds are, this new family has not had the chance to go to the store since they have been home from the hospital or they are running low on something. I suggest that you call, text, or email before you head over to their house and
ask them if there is anything that you can pick up for them at a nearby store or if they would like you to bring over some food. Even better, if you make a macaroni and cheese that the parents LOVE, make it for them and bring it over in a disposable dish! If they have been begging you for your killer meatloaf recipe, make it for them with a couple of sides and bring it over! (Again, I can not stress enough the importance of disposable dishes! Don't give them ANOTHER chore by now having to carefully return your great grandmother's china baking dish that was handcrafted in Italy. Leave the heirlooms at home.) Food is always an excellent gift and having a newborn in your arms makes cooking and eating a real challenge. I don't like the idea of guests cooking in the families home UNLESS they've asked you to do so. But if you DO cook in their home, please make sure that you do the dishes. You don't want to leave a mess for them to clean up when they already have enough to do!

Just jump right in!

Be helpful.

It's likely that if you ask the new parents if they need help with anything in the house, they will likely protest and tell you that they are fine and can handle it. Let them know that you really want to help and ask them to give you something to do. I have done dishes, wiped down bathrooms (and even scrubbed their toilet with the scrubby brush), folded a nearby basket of baby laundry, taken out the garbage, etc.. And I didn't even ask to do those things. I saw that it needed doing, so I did it. As I said, they will probably tell you not to do it because they don't want you to but because they're trying to be polite but once you start, they won't argue. They will appreciate the help.

You'll get to hold her soon enough.

You might not hold the baby.

I know that it's going to take some strong willpower but you must resist the urge to pick up the baby. The bad news is that you might not get the chance to hold the new baby. It's true. And you might not get to hold him/her for a couple visits. Some new moms often don't want to let anyone hold their new baby or they are practicing almost constant skin to skin. You should understand this going in and do your best to not show that you're upset if you don't get the chance to snuggle the new little one. The good news is that the parents might offer to have you hold the baby and then, you can gladly accept! If you're given the chance to hold the baby, be sure to ask if you should wash your hands. For some people, this isn't a problem, but some parents want to make sure that you have clean hands before you touch their baby. It's best if you check with them first.

What is she telling you?

Listen

Please do not make this visit about you and your troubles. Keep the conversation light hearted and focused on the family, unless they directly ask you something about yourself. If the family wants to talk about their birth, let them. It may have been a beautiful and happy experience for them that they want to share with you. It also could be that they might have experienced something unplanned or traumatic and they need to get it out, talk about it, and process with someone. Feel happy that they chose to share this with you. If you want to be helpful, you can offer to write it down for them to refer back to later. Also, I would suggest that you practice active listening. Don't spend your time formulating your response to what is being said because if you are, you're not REALLY listening. Take your time to listen to what it is that's being said. Be careful not to pry or offer advice. If the parents don't want to talk about something, let it be. The best idea is to let them lead the conversation. Don't offer advice about something unless you are asked directly. As new parents (especially if it is their first child), they are sensitive to criticism and may be lacking in confidence. If you tell them that they are doing something incorrectly, they might take it as that they are failing as parents and failing their baby.

Leave them at home

No kids allowed!

As much as little Timmy and Tammy want to visit the new baby, it's not a very good idea. Young children can get very excited, very quickly and sending them in to a situation where they are asked to be quiet and calm can be a challenge for them. Often, they start off well but as their patience and attention fades, they can become hyper, tearful, and loud. They might venture off and get into stuff or even break things while you're not watching them. If you don't think that your child is going to be able to be quiet and keep to themselves, please do everyone a favor and leave them at home. When the baby is older, you will be able to bring the young ones over for a visit.

Don't stay too long.

Don't wear out your welcome.

As exciting it is to see the parents and their new baby, please make it a point to stay no longer than an hour...TOPS. If you notice that the family is simply too tired for your visit, simply give your hugs to the new parents, leave whatever gifts, food, supplies that you brought, and let yourself out. Even if they only got to see you for a few minutes, they will appreciate you and your visit. If you've been there for about an hour and you are asked to stay longer, agree to stay for a bit longer but try to keep your visit short. New parents might not want you to leave because they may be feeling closed off from the world and need a bit of adult interaction. And that's okay. When it's time to go, you can quietly give hugs and let yourself out.

Having a new baby is wonderful but it's also tiring. New parents know how much they are loved and they understand that there is a lot of people who want to stop by for a visit. With these simple tips, you'll be able to visit the new family while also being a big help to them. They will appreciate that you didn't just want to visit to see their baby but that you are genuinely interested in helping and comforting them after such a huge change in their lives.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HELP A NEW FAMILY WHEN YOU VISITED?
WHAT DID YOU FIND TO BE MOST HELPFUL WHEN YOU HAD A NEW BABY?
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER TIPS THAT I MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN?

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Men Becoming Fathers

Birth Affirmations

One of the hardest things about being a doula.

What you need to know BEFORE you visit a family with a new baby!

Kirstin Mae Sengupta

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